Phlegm

I hate phlegm!

It’s not only disgusting in itself but the sound it makes trying to find its way up the walls of the throat is completely nauseating. Firstly, I can’t seem to be able to get it out of my throat whenever it manages to get all wobbly in there. I’ve heard people clear their throats or cough in order to free themselves from the clingy-ness of it but all I can do is watch. I’ve tried to copy the actions or sounds made by people around me just to get it out of its lodgings but it just wouldn’t budge from my own throat. I’ve seen people throw their heads backwards and make the weirdest sounds ever and spit it out or just grunt and there it goes. I can practically hear it grudging dislodging itself part by part from the throat walls and roll into a ball that finally comes out through the mouth with the force created by the sound made by the individual (exasperating I know). I have tried it all; coughing, clearing my throat, bending over, leaning backwards, jumping, drinking water in large gulps, swallowing food to push it down, sticking my hand in my throat, wishing it away, and trying to forget its presence… all to no effect. Phlegm just won’t come out of my throat. Fortunately, I hardly have it stuck in there but when it does I’m restless and distracted. It’s like watching a dog try to remove a tick from the base of its back. You’ll hear whimpering and sheer agony.


I once tried to take singing classes as a kid but was totally disillusioned about my singing potential when our instructor told us that we have to make sure we remove phlegm from our throats every morning. Seriously?! I hardly have phlegm partly because I pray very diligently about not having to carry that particular cup and now “Miss” wants me to have some to throw out every morning? Ridunculous! There went my singing ambition right before my eyes, so I took up dancing which has nothing to do with phlegm or its removal.

Please do not think I have lived with the same phlegm in my throat for years, that’ll be a wrong assumption, I’ve had different experiences trying to rid myself of it. Most of the time, I try some of the methods aforementioned and I just look stupid to anybody watching and in rare occasions they have worked. The most successful of all is the finger in the throat version which usually ends with me throwing up not only the phlegm but what it left in my stomach. Although throwing up makes me feverish for a few hours, phlegm makes me nauseous for a few minutes, I choose fever.

Established; I can’t stand phlegm. Yes, it seems to be my necessary evil but I must live with its reoccurrence although I cannot condone its presence. Where I and phlegm are concerned it must go no matter the torture it puts me through or my willing embarrassment of myself.

And so do I hate corruption!

It reminds me of my feeling for phlegm and that is totally unacceptable. As Nigerians, we have permitted corruption to become a part of our existence. It has clung to the walls of our society and woven itself into the fabric of our communities. Now, we even discuss what kinds of corruption can be found in different communities or ethnic groups. Worst of all we laugh at it just like a few of my friends who know about my dilemma with phlegm laugh at me.

And like me we can’t seem to master any art or science or craft for that matter to dislodge corruption from its comfortable position in our lives but unlike me we decide to live with it no matter how nauseating and dehumanizing it is.

Corruption is one word that represents many categories of wrong doings. Everyone falls into a category sometime or the other. It is what you do with your fall that matters. As humans we have sheer will; that means, we can say no or yes at any time. Our decisions are our decisions to make and every action births a reaction and then a series of chain reactions follow. I believe that corruption in politics started with a suggestion from one person that convinced another person and then a party and now as we so fondly call a “cabal”. Every evil starts with us condoning it and then before long it becomes part of us and we not only condone anymore but partake in it. Can you imagine me going about my daily business with phlegm sitting quietly in my throat? I shiver to think about it.

Just as corruption starts with a suggestion, it can end with another suggestion. How about; they evil you are about to condone, don’t! Or better still, the evil you’re about to do, don’t! I know it’s not as easy as it sounds being that “man is inherently evil” but we can start with the little things before we get the courage to do the big ones. I know it seems farfetched to expect a government official not to steal money or a political party not to rig elections but how about we start by obeying traffic rules and not taking bribe or selling counterfeit? I believe we will get to the leaders eventually. Yes, we may say our leaders should show example, but just like me with my personal phlegm challenge, we all have our personal challenges that make us face difficult choices to do good every day. We are all leaders, there is always someone looking up to us one way or the other no matter what age. If we can be responsible in our little corner I’m sure in no time Nigeria will be a better place.

Over the years we have come to see that our leaders rarely lead by example, therefore we cannot look to our leaders and then come away disillusioned. As we remember that to err is human we also remind EFCC and ICPC as well as all uniformed men/women to do what they swore to do.

In getting rid of phlegm, I sometimes also lose the food in my stomach and get a fever for a few hours. In ridding ourselves of corruption, we may even lose people and feel deprived of our rights but hey, there is a bigger picture, much bigger than any of us as individuals. It’s called Nigeria, our fatherland or motherland as the case may be. Let’s just not paint fantasies of a great nation free of corruption, let’s transfer our fantasies into realty by working at it, putting one brick upon another until we build the most beautiful place only our hearts can conceive.

p.s

If you have effective ways of removing phlegm that I didn’t mention in this article please let me know. Thank you.